More script pages.

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[Paul Mack]

I can't believe I'm the only one replying to you're screenplay Despin. Once again I want say that you are on to something here...keep up the good work. I really like how you described the action, most screenwriters don't even bother [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img]

Here is some critique,

I think there should be more conflict btwn Fester and Debra before she quits. From what she says "it's part of the job" and the condition of the flat it almost makes you think she is willing to put up with the job because it means cash. She needs a better reason to quit than a little scuffle. Kind of makes her look like hypocrite after that little talk with Kerry [img]wink.gif[/img] .

Maybe have Fester be more of an overbearing a-hole...gives Debra a Cinderella list of chores to do, yells at Kerry for dumping the coffee. Even though this might seem minor, it adds a lot more to Debra's charecter. Because as it stands now, she seems just as rash as her younger sister. I like the initial impression of her though, seems like she's been around the block and is a little wiser for it.

Later,
Paul

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ May 03, 2003 05:45 PM: Message edited by: Paul M. ]</font>

[emjen]

Allright...

What's the story about? First there's this heavily depressed guy who paid money to kill himself (which we don't know yet) but he IS heavily depressed. He quit working for all we know and yadda yadda.

Then we find out he's some huge strong guy who suddenly cares about people and has a strong will and point of view.

THen he flees off with a briefcase.

If these are the first 35 pages, this would be the first act. But I still don't know what your story will be about. There was no big central conflict. Except the one between anthony and the three crooks, but that seems a bit... irrelevant for some kind of reason because that anthony fellow is suicidal. If he is suicidal he wouldnt really give a sh*t of what will become of him, right? So I didn't really care if those briefcase fellows would beat him up or whatever.

So my complaint is that Anthony was not a well made character. Perhaphs I am seeing this wrong and you thought about him a dozen of times and you've written lots of 'character essays'. But that don't really look like it.

Someone who will commint suicide and suddenly has to fight for his life. That won't work.

But if someone just paid someone to kill hismelf, and the next minute he regrets this very decision (because of a supermodel, a little puppy, or a pot of gold or whatever) and now he has to fight not only for his life, but also for this new interest, I think would make a better story.

There are tons of possibilities. I liked the Voice Over version beginning of this screenplay the most (except the running bit at the end). That suggested to me that the protagonist was bored to death with his life, and wanted some excitement out of it. What more excitement can you get than playing hide and seek with your assanitor?

I suggest you'd watch the film with that Ghetto Superstar Soundtrack. I forgot the name, but it's about a President who also paid money to kill himself, and after that he starts talking the truth-- and it works, everyone suddenly starts liking him. He starts regretting his decision and wants to make contact to the assasinator. Well you should see it might be some good research.

Well that was a heckload of critique. Also, do you have a theme for your story?

Hope I've helped son.

[deanl]

oops oops oops

[emjen]

I still don't know what it's really about, and Anthony still is a depressed character on booz.

Anthony is not huge, but you described him as taller than Gibson. You might be off better with describinb Gibson being smaller than Anthony to avoid such misunderstandings.

Sorry I confused your script with your others, but it was hard not to.

Most of my critique was based on this script alone though. Just forget the suicidal ramblings. My biggest points of critique are the anthony character and the central conflict of the story.

Right on.

[rumaDAje]

OK, despin. I've read some earlier version, where I was rambling about a book about a guy who payed to get himself killed. I was wrong then.

I like the script, it creates some expectations, my only fear is that those expectations stay what they are: expectations. The central clue of your story comes quite late IMHO. Is it your purpose to keep the mystery going for a longer time??